best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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