I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
