I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
