I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
