I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
