Apparently you make a good broom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
