as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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