He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
