we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
