the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
