I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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