They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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