And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
