And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
