You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
