i love accidental penises.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
