If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Houston, we have a blender
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
