M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
