Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
