Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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