I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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