I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
