If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
