If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
