she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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