i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
