i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
