her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
your like the ambassador to my penis.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
PANTIES FOUND
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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