so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I intend to get homeless drunk
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
