i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
