Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize