i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
