That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
