So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
