just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.