id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy