Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.