I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
