I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
