i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.