I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He kissed a someone with a penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
