Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
