Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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