If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
