you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
