U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
