Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
