When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
