chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
