I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
