the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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