I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
