Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
