jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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