It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
