Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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