were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
