Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
