I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
