I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
