Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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