In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
