blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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