i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
