When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
